Finally...I am back

After not having my own laptop for a month....I have a new laptop, since HP couldn't fix the one I had. I like this one much better, and now I don't have to use my work laptop now.

So....I spent the weekend (well most of it) with Scott. I hadn't seen him in two weeks, which sucked. Now, I won't see him again until NEXT Saturday. It's just crazy. I want to spend more time with him, but the kids come first.

I know Scott cares about me and loves me. That in itself is nice. He is a no-pressure kind of guy, which is something I need. He values me for me and that is key to me. We both get to talking about the future, and then we slap each other into reality and say "SLOW DOWN!" LOL

It is nice to know that he would like to be a part of my future.

Is he that non-observant?

So, the kids came home today. First, my daughter didn't do her homework.....grrrr. Second and most importantly, sn, who has respiratory issues was breathing very fast and wheezy. Could the ex not have noticed that and asked me to bring over his nebulizer? I gave him a breathing treatment, and his respirations are back to normal, and has just a little wheeze to him now. For crying out loud, we only live 5 minutes apart. I guess his girlfriend's daughter having her baby today was more important than his son's breathing.

Update on Life

First, here is the newest addition to the family....His name that the rescue gave him is Gabriel, but his birthname is Steeler! (I didn't know this until I got to the rescue) He is a two year old Beagle/ACD mix. He is an absolute sweetheart. He came home to stay on Sunday March 22nd. I am complete love with him, and keeps me good company on the nights the kids are gone.

Okay...on to other life events.

The ex is still an idiot....he is back with the girlfriend that has dumped him 6 times. He is letting the kids spend time with her, which bugs me. I know eventually it will have to happen, but I still feel it is too soon.

As for me, this past weekend, I learned just how much I care about Scott. Okay, I love him and everything about him. I didn't get to see him all week last week, which really sucked. I had to work Saturday, and he had family obligations. I do get to see him this weekend, and I can't wait. He is just the most wonderful man I have ever met. He told me his family wants to meet me....I don't know when that will happen. We are both wanting to take this slow.....to really get to know each other. I talk, text and email him everyday...I just get so happy when I hear his voice or read his emails. He makes me feel so special, he makes my heart smile. Being apart from him has been hard, but that's the way it has to be for now.

She is going to be a superstar!

Today was the first softball practice of the season, and my daughter was out-performing all the girls. On the team of 11, 6 are repeat players from last year. Alot of the girls from last year moved up to fast pitch. My daughter wanted to stay in slow pitch for one more year. She will be the oldest on the team, and has the most experience. She was crushing the ball AND fielding very well. She has a new head coach this year, but he is familiar with her playing style, as his daughter was on the same team last year. I was so proud of my daughter....she hit well, fieldedwell, and was a great source of encouragement for the new girls. She was cheering them on, and congratulating them for trying.

When we left practice she said to me "Mommy, this is going to be an awesome softball year!" She is so excited, and I am excited for her!

His Priorities....

He always said his kids would be number one in his life.....that is until he decided to be a nymphomaniac.

He was supposed to take my daughter to softball practice tonight....but he asked me to because he has a date with a new girl.

What ever happened to priorities?

He asked me how long....

So yesterday as I was putting the kids in the car (leaving his house) he asked me "How long do you think it will take before I get 'it' from Michelle?" (The name of the girl he is going on a date with tonight.)

I ignored that the best I could.

This morning he texted me and said he had a "booty call" with another lady last night, and the the girl that dumped him on Sunday wants him back (he said he will go back to her if she goes into therapy....ummmm it's him who needs it) and he is meeting this Michelle tonight and plans on getting 'some'.

He is on a conquest to get laid everyday....and he is sick enough to tell me about it.

Barf-O-Rama

She told me about the girlfriend

My daughter told me about her Dad's girlfriend (of which broke up with him again). My daughter said she was nice, but then got sad and said that she doesn't want a new mommy.

*Insert Lump in Throat*

So, we had a long talk about how no one that enters her Dad's life will ever replace me, and that if someone was special enough in my life to meet them, they would not replace their Dad. She asked me if I had a new boyfriend, and I told her there was nobody that I was ready for them to meet.

My daughter also said that she does not want a new baby brother or sister, but if the boyfriend or girlfriend already had kids, that would be fine. LOL I told her not to worry...I am not growing anymore babies in my belly. LOL

I saw his house today.....

I wasn't impressed with it either. It is basically a can on wheels...very small. It is clean, so I will give him credit for that. He has my kids SHARING a bedroom that is SMALLER than my son's. He can't open his windows, because the screens are missing.....therefore it was extremely hot and stuffy....84 degrees inside....the kids were sweating bullets.

My daughter told me she doesn't like the house her Dad is in. She doesn't like the fact that she has to share a room that is so small. She said she was glad to sleep in "her own" room and bed tonight.

I am still feeling sad.....

I am still feeling sad over the whole test thing.....I know I have to move on and put this behind me. I can not let this consume my whole life...my whole being.

My Date With Scott....

I had a great time, even though he started feeling sick during dinner. So we ate dinner, went back to my house and watched movies and tv until 4am. It was nice to be held and cuddled...to be made to feel that I am special and important. No pressure, no worries. It was so nice to spend time with him. I feel like a high school girl.....20 years removed.

I really want this to work with Scott. Slow and steady of course, but I can't help the way I feel.

Hurt Devasted and Angry

Today as I was doing the laundry, I was looking around the basement at all the things he has left in the basement. I was looking at the mound of crap on the sitting on the desk. I started sorting through the papers, and found the most shocking and devasting piece of paper I would ever see in my life.

He had my son DNA tested back in December! He honestly thought that my son was not his! I know where this stems from....his mother and I don't get along, and she didn't want Keith to marry me....she has told so many lies to him, including the fact that I apparently had an affair back in 1995 or 1996 with a co-worker.

The guy may have been an asshole, but never, ever did I do anything that would make him believe that my son is not his.

I am crying, I am angry and hurt. This hurts more than when he asked for a divorce.

He is the one that freaking cheated, he is the one that said I wasn't good enough in bed for him. He has alot of freaking balls.....I hate, yes HATE this man. What sucks is that I still have to be civil towards him for the kids.

He introduced the kids to his girlfriend!!!

I am so pissed off right now. The ex called me to inform me that he introduced the kids to his girlfriend last night. My daughter supposedly told her Dad that she likes her and trusts her! WHAT????? I am so mad right now....this was not the right time to introduce the kids to ANYONE on either side. Too pissed to type anymore.....

Feelings....

So, as I continue to disect my feelings for Scott, I have learned that I care about him and am beginning to develop a real love for him. Yesterday, when I thought something had happened to him, I was sick to my stomach. I kept thinking why would God bring such a wonderful man into my life only to take him away? Thankfully, he is fine and was being a little thoughtless....not knowing I would worry about him.

I can't wait to see him tonight. He makes me smile, inside and out. I just want to be held in his arms, and never let go.

I Am Not 20 Anymore....

So I went out with my girlfriend last night. We had alot of fun...chatting, gambling and drinking. I am not 20 anymore...lol. I need to get moving and get things done around here.

I don't know how I did this kind of thing when I was younger.

The Kids Are Surviving....

I talked to my daughter at 9pm....the kids were doing well, and she settled down. I feel so much better about it all.

Men Just Don't Think......

Perhaps it is just me, I don't know.....anywho, Scott was sick just about all week. I couldn't get a hold of him all day,,,,I was really worried about him. I thought there was something seriously wrong...turns out his parents just got home from their winter-long Florida stay......he didn't have his cell phone and had spent all day with them. I have no problem with him hanging with his parents, but I am so used to talking to him everyday by 430 at the latest.......He called at 6pm and apologized up and down....saying he didn't realize I would worry that much. Now he knows better.......

I can't wait to see him......I miss him terribly.

I Don't Know What To Do About Scott...

He has been sick all week....I talked to him yesterday afternoon, and while he was still sick, I thought everything was okay. I tried calling, texting and emailing him all day.....I have had not been able to contact him. I am worried and scared. What if something happened? His family has not met me yet, but his sister does know about me. What if something is wrong.......

They're Gone....

This is way harder than I thought it would be. I really thought I would be able to manage my emotions....but as my daughter was getting ready to leave, her eyes welled up with tears and she said she didn't want to go, that she wants to spend time with both my ex and I together. I gave her and kiss, and explained to her that it will get easier as time goes on, and that we just want her to be happy....but her father and I being together not being happy will make her unhappy.

I waited until they pulled out of my driveway and went down the road....then the floodgates opened........

I Have A Bridge I Can Sell You Too....

I don't believe this story for one minute.....the kids Dad says the reason he didn't answer his phone is because it was on silent and was charging back in his bedroom. I know better than that. If I believe that story, then I guess someone can sell me a bridge too.....he asked me to apologize to the kids for him. I also told him that my daughter was upset because he didn't call them on Wednesday. He said not to worry about it and he has 5 days to make it up to them.

I know he ignored the calls because he was with his girlfriend. He won't see her for 5 days now....poor baby. Unless he decides to introduce her to the kids, which I am STRONGLY against. If I was a betting person, I see her moving into his house very soon. If either of those things happen, again the nice ex-wife will go away, and the total bitch will come out. I have told him several times I am against him introducing his whore-friend to the kids. First of all, this divorce is too new and my daughter is starting to not like the whole idea. Secondly, the ex and his girlfriend have broke up and got back together at least 5 times since they started going out. Not a very stable relationship to say the least.

In a way I kind of feel bad for the whore-friend. He is already using controlling tactics on her...giving her ultimatums and such. He did that to me for 15 years of marriage.......but she is the stupid one that got involved with a married man, and she is still married too!

I am so mad at him right now....I would love to just bitch slap him right now!

Scott is still sick....

He actually called off work today...I am starting to worry about him. He has no fever, no other problems except for stomach pains. He said before he was feeling okay, but all of a sudden at 4 in the morning he got massive pain. I asked him to go to the doctor, but he won't go. He's trying to be the typical macho man. He is still insisting he will be okay to go out on Saturday, but I am thinking otherwise. I would rather him stay home....even though I would miss him.

Why won't he answer the phone?

My daughter tried twice tonight to call her Dad on his cellphone...he won't answer his phone or return her messages. The kids just wanted to say hi to him and also to tell him good night...he won't even answer the freaking phone. Yesterday, he made no attempt to contact them to say Hi or anything. My daughter is sad and bummed out...I am pissed. What sucks, is that now she is preparing to spend the next 5 days with him. (Along with her brother) If he pulls te crap of not answering the phone when I call them to say Hi or goodnight, I will no longer play the nice ex-wife!

Being a Single Mom....

Well, so far it has been much better than I expected. I have had more co-operation from the kids now that their father and I are apart, than I ever had when we were together. No, things aren't perfect, but they are better than I thought.

One good thing that I have realized in the past few days alone, is the fact that I am able to have more time with them. It is really unique. They are happy to see me and hang out with me. They are happy to help me with anything.

Do they need to be corrected? Of course! I know my daughter is trying subtly to push the envelope, but after being reminded of my expectations, she comes around. She is a great kid!
She and I have always been close, and I love that!

My son and I are becoming very close. I am getting to learn more about him every day, and I am gaining so much happiness from this new bond. He is a great kid too!

I am so lucky and so fortunate....

A Great Conversation

Tonight, we had a great conversation...it was pretty deep. We talked a lot about family and the relationships we have with them. Rewind to last night, I told Scott about my depression issues and how things from earlier in life affected the way I am....fast forward back to tonight. He asked me about my Mom and if I was close with her before she died. I explained to him that she and I were never close and that it was only because of my Dad did she even reveal to me that she had cancer. She had written me off in her life until that point. It's funny how something like an illness such as cancer makes all the issues go away. I took care of my Mom for those 17 months. Even though she wasn't that great of a Mom, I felt that I needed to be there for her. It caused a great deal of stress and problems between my ex-husband and I. She treated me horribly, only to find out years after her death that she had her own demons to deal with, that she never dealt with. The day she died, an inner peace came about me. I didn't have to be afraid of her anymore. To get to the point, Scott said "You know, whatever happened between you and your Mom can not be changed, but you know she is 'up there' looking down on you, and loving you." I started to cry. I know he is right, and I have had others tell me the same thing. Him saying that just blew me away. Yes, he is a sensitive soul.

Accepting Other's Viewpoints....

I must say I am surprised myself...I have received some criticism regarding my dating already. In my old mindset, I would have flipped out on people. But, I am able to accept their opinions for what they are. It's true, people don't always agree, but they do care enough to share their opinion with me. So, even though their opinion doesn't mesh with what I am doing, I appreciate the words they say, because they come from the heart.

Is it too early?

After 15 years of a marriage gone wrong, I am finally free! He moved out permanently and now, I am experiencing life as a single woman in her late 30's and a single mom. The last 4 years of the marriage were pretty crappy...the love was gone. We both stayed in the marriage for the kids. Bad choice oboth our parts. He found another girlfriend (who I think is certifiablly nuts) and has been with her for at least 6 months. Yes, he started dating her before he even asked for a divorce. Sucky husband, but a great Dad to our kids.

Well, after months of being down and blue, I finally climbed out of my shell. I went out on a couple dates with Don, what a hottie, but turned out he has a phobia about developing feelings for people, and stood me up on Valentine's Day....because he was scared. He didn't talk to me for nearly a month, and recently called me wanting to see me again. Ummmmm...no freaking way!

Then there was Pat. Okay, why am I even wasting a sentence on him? Not a match...not even close.

Then I met Jim, he is a great guy, but just wanted friendship, which is fine. He is fun to talk to and hang out with.

Now, there's Scott. This is where my question of "Is it too early?" comes into play. I am head over heels in love with this guy. We have been dating for 3 weeks now, and talk and text each other constantly. He lives an hour away, so the actual time we get to spend with one another is limited. He is sweet, compassionate, caring and all the great qualities I desire in a man. He makes me feel special and loved. I miss him when I am not with him, and I look forward to our phone conversations every afternoon and evening. I never want to quit talking to him.

Is it too early for me to be feeling this way? My friends all think he is my "Rebound Guy". I don't think so. I was without love for so long.......